My doctor is slowly increasing the dosage of my thyroid medication. I see him every two months, and he gives me a prescription for a higher dosage. Well, to be honest, the process is bit more complicated than that, as this post will demonstrate. There are three hoops I need to jump through to get a dosage increase: blood test, getting the results, and visiting the doctor. I'll describe each part of this painful process in turn.

1) Blood test

I have to take a blood test before I can get a dosage increase. The nearest place I can get my blood drawn is Montreal General Hospital, which is, and I won't mince words here, a big useless pile of shite. If I was seriously ill I'd rather take my chances at home than stay in this fucking deathtrap.

The wait time for the blood clinic is three hours. Who has three hours to spare these days? It's like a time tax on ill people. And to add insult to injury, they're not even open weekends, and they shut at 2 pm on weekdays, so you have to take a day off work every time you need to go.

I last went a week ago, and after waiting for an eternity, the nurse typed my details into the computer (which was so old it was probably from even before computers were invented) and said, "I've found your file, but your birth date isn't the same on your medicard, so we can't do a blood test". What did you just say? My jaw hit the floor so hard that it broke through the floor and landed in the soup of a diabetic in the geriatric ward.

I’d left my time machine at home, so I couldn’t go back in time and change the day I was born, so I was stuck. I suggested that some moron had entered my details wrongly, and tipped my head towards her to imply that it was her.

In the end, she changed her mind and decided I could have the blood test I'd waited for three hours for after all.

She wasn't the one to take my blood by the way. No, the people who actually take your blood are called phlebotomists. Urgh, just writing that word makes me squirm. Phleb. Sounds like a cross between pleb and phlegm, neither of which are particularly pleasant. It turns out phlebotomists are some of the most bored, despair-stricken people on the planet. Do not become a phlebotomist. They all look like they loathe their jobs. What, sticking needles into sick people all day every day isn’t fun? I’d like them to show at least a modicum of competence as they stick sharp things into me, not least because they could kill me if they accidentally inject air into my veins. After I’m gone they can go back to being dead-eyed again. Just pretend not to look bored, for me. Stupid cunts.

2) Get results

After this, I have to wait for my doctor's clinic to tell me the results, which takes around two weeks. Last time the nurse called and said, "Your results look fine. We'll see you in another four months". In response to this dandy news, I broke into a grin and wiped the nervous sweat off my brow, then I went off skipping down a nearby lane. But a week later, a nagging thought occurred to me - maybe I should check the results myself? So I phoned the clinic again and asked them to send me a copy. When I got the results, here's what they said:

• Some value which is life-critical: Not too bad
• Another important thing: Should be higher
• This most certainly should not be low: TOO FUCKING LOW!!

Can't she read? It says TOO LOW. (Okay, this isn't what it actually said, but that was the gist of it).

Hang on, I see a pattern now of shit health care professionals. A pattern on an ancient, tea-stained rug from the 1950s in your nan’s house. A rug with a shade strikingly similar to elephant diarrhoea.

3) Say hello to the doc

I'd estimate that approximately 999 in 1000 doctors are assholes. I seem to be incredibly lucky given these odds, as the doctor I have now is actually quite good. He doesn't seem to actively want to kill me, so that's a good start. He also understands that my T3 and T4 need to be at high-end of the reference values, and not just within them with a sort of "that'll do" attitude.

So I'd like to keep seeing this doctor, but who knows how fucking long it'll take to get me up to the correct dosage. At the moment I'm taking 75 mcg of Synthroid.

The colour changes with every dosage, by the way. At the moment, my pills are purple, and before, they were white.